The Academy
by DoctorAwesome1
Summary: A Modern (2019) M*A*S*H High School AU. Kids are often trouble, especially when you have this interesting bunch. When the students are in, there’s no telling what could happen at the Maryland Academy of Science and Health. Warning: this class is the definition of chaos!
1. Welcome To Mr. Blake’s Anatomy 101

Closing the door, he sighed and shook his head. "That's the third time this week, McIntyre."

Trapper shrugged as he walked to his desk and threw his bag down beside it.

Henry finished marking his tardy and looked up to his student. "One more and it's a detention."

"Aww, c'mon Henry!"

Henry glared at him as he sat the clipboard by his filing cabinets. "Since when have we been on a first name basis?"

Trapper shrugged. "Sorry."

Henry sat back down at his desk. He knew it was going to be a rough school year. He was teaching a class full of sophomores basic high school anatomy and he couldn't deny it, this period was always testing his patience. And it was only the third week of school.

As he searched his computer for the class work to print off today he became increasingly more agitated as the noise in the classroom steadily increased. Everyone went from quiet whispers to full volume conversations in under three minutes.

As the papers began to print, Henry stood up and adressed everyone else. "Can you guys keep a lid on it for three seconds!?"

Everyone went quiet. For about three seconds. Henry sighed and picked up the warm stack of freshly printed papers of from his desk. _"They don't pay me enough for this kind of work,"_ he thought to himself.

He began to pass out the papers to the first row of seats when he noticed Hawkeye sitting in the back, hood over his head, fast asleep.

Henry tucked the stack under his arm and walked over to Hawkeye.

"Hawkeye." He waited for a response. "Hawkeye wake up and pay attention for once."

"Five more minutes, dad..."

"There's no hoods on or sleeping in class, how may times am I going to have to repeat these rules?"

As Hawkeye pulled his hood off, Henry sat the papers on his desk.

"Here, finish passing these out. That should keep you awake."

Hawkeye grudgingly took the stack and passed around the rest of the papers as Henry walked over to the whiteboard.

"Alright. Today we'll be going over the different body systems. You know the drill, no cell phones, food, or talking when taking notes."


	2. Class President Who?

"Why the long faces?! It's Friday! Your third week of sophomore year is almost over!"

"Great, only 33 weeks left until summer break," Hawkeye remarked.

"Actually, 33 weeks _and three days_ left of school," Radar corrected.

Henry watched as Hawkeye rose his hand, "What is it, Pierce?"

"Can we make Friday's nap days?"

"You make everyday nap day," Henry responded with a sigh.

"Oh yeah."

"C'mon guys, let's cut the small talk, I have something important to say that'll take up the whole class time."

Trapper brought his attention to the teacher, "The whole class time? No lesson or nothin'?!"

"No, what I have to say is gonna take up what would have been our lesson on medical vocabulary."

Trapper grinned, "No class work? You got my attention!"

Henry rolled his eyes, "Thank you, McIntyre." He pulled out a stool and sat himself down infront of the whole class. "Now what I have to talk about is how I run my class. We're about to start our fourth week, as well as a new routine. Now... I run my Anatomy and Medical Technical classes on a volunteer system. I have created certain positions that students will hold for a year long period. Now volunteering-"

Hawkeye sighed in relief, "Oh thank god, I would hate to be forced into a job."

"Now, now, I'm choosing who gets what class volunteer position."

Hawkeye's relief soon disappeared as he felt his chances of napping though class slip through his fingers. "That's not volunteer work! That's illegal child labor!"

"Would you hush up! Mr. Blake is trying to speak," Margaret snapped.

"Thank you, Margaret. Now as I was-"

"Anyway, Pierce, you could learn a thing or two from volunteering your time to something worthwhile, something besides napping through the whole class! I'm surprised you even passed freshman year!"

"Thank you, Margaret, that's enough," Henry said, slightly annoyed. But then he thought, " _Then again... that might teach him a lesson or two about responsibility, and it might get him to stop sleeping though my class... just maybe..."_

Henry stood up from his stool. "You know what, Margaret, you just gave me a great idea. Hawkeye, I'm appointing you class president."

Hawkeye also stood up, but in shock, "What!? No! Come on Mr. Blake, you can't do this to me!"

Margaret quickly became uncomfortable and also stood up to express her opinion, "Wait, Mr. Blake, perhaps a position of responsibility would teach him a lesson, but a position as important as class president should be left for someone who takes their school work seriously... like Frank!"

Frank smiled as he watched Margaret sit back down, "I strongly agree with Margaret."

"I agree too! Just don't make me president!" Hawkeye shouted from the back of the class.

Trapper turned to glance at Hawkeye, "I don't know, Hawk, might be kinda funny seeing you get off your lazy ass for once and doing some work."

"Don't give them any ideas, Trap! It's not funny!"

Henry could feel his face flush as he watched his class start to slowly unravel, "Hey! Can it, will ya! And watch your damn language, John! This is a school for cryin' out loud!"

Everyone was silent for a brief moment before Margaret raised her hand.

"I think we should exercise our democratic rights in this situation, in my opinion we should take a vote, Mr. Blake."

"Alright, that's not a bad idea," Henry said with a nod, "Okay, everyone in favor of appointing Frank Burns as class president please raise your hand."

Only two rose their hands, both Margaret and Frank's shot up acompanied by beaming faces.

Henry nodded again, "alright, and all in favor of Pierce?"

Besides Hawkeye, Frank, Margaret, and a few classmates who just didn't vote, the majority of the class could be seen raising their hand.

Hawkeye flopped back into his chair and let his face sink into his hands, "This is just too cruel."

Trapper stood up and walked over to Hawkeye's seat to give him a clap on the back, "Everyone give it up for this year's class president... Benjamin Franklin Pierce!!"

Hawkeye could feel his classmates eyes on him as the class erupted into an awkwardly timed applause. "You're making a huge mistake Henry, as president I have the power-"

"Oh c'mon Hawk, just accept the fact that you lost," Trapper interrupted.

Radar glanced at Trapper, "Uhh, technically he won."

"Yeah, Yeah, win, lose, same thing."

"Now, class, settle down. I still have two other positions to choose, which I was going to appoint myself, but if anyone disagrees, we can always go back to Margaret's voting idea."

"I still think I would have made a better president," Frank mumbled.

"Anyway, I'd like to appoint Margaret Houlihan as class assistant."

Margaret beamed with a proud grin, "No problem with that, sir!"

Henry looked around the class to see if there were any objections to his decision, "If anyone objects, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Frank fumbled his fingers nervously before shooting his hand into the air, "Objection!"

Margaret turned to look at Frank, who sat next to her. "Frank!?" She exclaimed with surprise and shock.

Frank looked away from Henry and over to Margaret with a very nervous but insincere frown, "Sorry, sweetheart, it's just... well... you wanted me to be president, and since I'm not president I should be class assistant. You should understand, even want me to be at least second best! Besides, we can't let the women have all the fun, right?"

Hawkeye shot the two a confused glance, "Do I look like a woman to you?"

Margaret, in turn, was fuming angry. "Frank!! How... how dare you!!! You... you power hungry, sexist, no good jerk!!"

Trapper threw his fist in the air, "Atta girl, Margaret! Now go for his throat!"

Frank looked into Margaret's burning eyes and tried to say whatever he could in hopes of saving his own ass, "aww, sweetheart, you... you know that was just a... just a joke right? I mean... you're not really gonna go for my throat... are you?!"

"Guys! Guys! Settle down! We don't need a fight breaking out in here!" Henry shouted. "First of all, these are positions of responsibility, not power. You aren't any better than Igor if you're the class assistant."

Igor smiled, "Thank you, Mr. Blake."

"I'd beg to differ..." Mulcahy quipped from the back.

Igor turned around in his seat and glared at him, "What's that supposed to mean?" Mulcahy gave him a shrug, and Igor felt the answer dawn on him. "Ohhhh! I know!" He said, getting up out of his seat, "You're still pissed that I knocked your corn on the cob out of your hand yesterday at lunch!"

Mulcahy also stood up, "Yeah, I am! And I KNOW you did it on purpose!"

"It was an accident!"

"No it wasn't! And you know what!? I didn't have anymore lunch money, so I never got a replacement! I think you owe me something, Igor!"

Igor and Mulcahy both walked up to one another at the back of the class as the other classmates watched in surprise, and Henry sighed and rubbed at his temples.

"I don't owe you anything!"

"You're right! Perhaps I OWE YOU a knuckle sandwich! I'm on the school boxing team, you know!"

Igor scoffed, "Oh sureee! The Catholic kid who wants to graduate high school and join the priesthood, FIGHT ME? I'd like to see THAT happen! You'd never hurt a fly!"

"I'm warning you Igor! You asked for it!"

"Hey! Fellas, fellas! Let's cut this out!" Henry said, running to the back of the class seeing that their argument might escalate into a fight. "Now listen, I'm really disappointed in you two, not about the fact that you interrupted me while I was talking to the class, I'm used to that by now. But you two, especially you, Francis, are really well behaved kids! Now I want you two to sit back down and LET ME FINISH WHAT I HAD TO SAY EARLIER!" Henry began to make his way back to the front of the class as he finished, "I want you two to make up, and Igor, buy Francis lunch sometime to make up, okay?"

Igor and Mulcahy gave each other a menacing glare. Igor nodded, "Fine, I'll get you another stupid corn."

Mulcahy sighed and nodded, "Alright, I'm sorry I lost my temper."

"There, that wasn't so bad, now go back to your seats and listen up." Henry watched as the two went back to their seats. Margaret was still shooting darts at Frank with her eyes, but for the most part, peace was restored back to the class. "Alright, there was only one objection to appointing Margaret as class assistant, so I'm just gonna go ahead with making her the class assistant."

Margaret smirked, and turned to glare at Frank, "I want to see you after class, _sweetheart_."

Frank nervously smiled, feeling that doomsday could very well be today. "Okay, sure, anything for you, pumpkin."

Henry sighed, "Can you guys let me finish what I have to say without interrupting me every five seconds?!"

Margaret frowned, "Sorry, sir."

"Thank you, now I have one last position to appoint, it requires hard work, lots of focus, and dedication; class secretary. I would like to appoint our very own Radar O'Riley for this job."

Radar smiled, "Oh really?! Gee, that would be real nifty!"

Klinger held up his hand, "Don't say nifty, Radar. That term went out of style in like, the fifties."

"Anyway, any objections to making Radar our class secretary?" He looked around hoping Frank wouldn't start a ruckus again, and thankfully he didn't, as all was quiet for once. Perhaps no one objected to Radar being secretary because he was well liked... then again, the kid was pretty quiet, so maybe no one really knew him. "Radar it is!"

"Oh boy!" Radar exclaimed with excitement.

Henry glanced to the clock. _"Phew,"_ he thought to himself, _"I actually said all that I had to say in time, with five whole minutes to spare... do I really wanna tell them that class is over? That could be a whole five more minutes of insanity... who knows, a fight might even break out. Maybe I should just keep them busy for the next few minutes with one of my fishing stories. Yeah, that should work, it might even put them to sleep, I know for a fact it'll put our new president to sleep..."_


	3. Make Up And Make Out

Everyone scrambled out of their seats and swung on their backpacks as the bell rang.

"And that, kids, is how I caught the largest bass the state of Maryland has ever seen. Have a good weekend everybody," Henry finished.

Hawkeye woke up to see everyone leaving, and he too was about to follow suit until-

"Hawkeye, can I see you?"

"Aww, Mr. Blake, I dont wanna be late for my next class."

"Don't worry, I'll give you a pass," Henry sat down at his desk and motioned for Hawkeye to come join him.

Hawkeye picked up his backpack and put it on over his shoulders as he walked over to Henry.

"I hope you do know that being class president will offer a great deal of responsibility."

"Whatcha gonna do? Make me pass out papers all class long?"

"Listen, I know it looks like I made you class president just to punish you, and yes, that's mostly the reason why. However, I also chose you because you have a real gift, you have potential!"

"With sleeping?"

"Yes! Wait, no! I mean with this class. If you can sleep through an Anatomy class and still maintain an A, not to mention carrying straight A's in all your other classes, which I'm sure you sleep through too... by the way... just out of curiosity, do you...?"

"Oh yeah, I sleep through most of them."

"Thought so," Henry said knowingly, giving Hawkeye a nod. "Pierce, you're a very competent student. You're also very stubborn, not the best behaved, and it wouldn't hurt ya to use deodorant every now and then."

Hawkeye frowned and not so discreetly lifted his arm to take a whiff. Henry had a point there.

"But I think you can rise to the top of the class, be a model for your peers, ya know?"

"Mr. Blake, if this becomes a heart-to-heart conversation don't take it personally if I puke on your oak desk."

Henry sighed and handed over the hall pass to Hawkeye. "Alright, Pierce, here's your pass. Just think about what I said, okay?" He watched as Hawkeye snatched up the pass and made his way to open the class door. "Hawkeye, wait."

Hawkeye stopped with his hand on the doorknob and turned around to look at Henry. "What?"

"Why are you always so tired in class anyway?"

"Just a lot of schoolwork."

Henry narrowed his eyebrows and shot a doubtful look Hawkeye's way. "Uh huh."

"Really! I have two honors classes, surprising, I know. That with all my other classes adds up to a bit of homework. Then after school I have theater rehearsal, and after that and homework is done I spend most of the night studying what I slept through."

Henry rolled his eyes, "That doesn't sound like a very good system, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye shrugged, "It works."

"Yeah, thing is, teachers actually like it when their students pay attention in class, and you need sleep! Besides, if you payed attention in class I bet you could do half the amount of studying you do each night, maybe less."

"I guess."

"Just try it. The weekend's practically here, so use that time to catch up on some z's. Come Monday I expect my class president to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed."

Hawkeye simply nodded, opened the door, and walked out.

/scene/

Just before he could make a mad dash down the hallway, he felt her cold, dainty fingers wrap around his arm and pull him back.

"Margaret! I was just about to wait for you! Didn't realize you got out of the class before me, haha!"

"Frank," she whispered with a menacing smile.

"Margaret... uh what did you want to talk about?"

"Frank, you-"

"Margaret, you know, maybe we should just meet up after school, or better yet, let's just text each other over the weekend, we don't want to be late to class, do we?"

"I'll be quick, Frank. Very quick, and very clear. You know that this academy isn't easy to get into, and I don't want you, especially you, the boyfriend of my dreams, to undermine my intelligence. Especially attacking me because I happen to be a woman. Let me tell you this Frank, I'm just as competent as you are and just as deserving of responsibility!"

Frank smiled, "I'm sorry, Margaret," he said, thinly veiling his insincerity.

Margaret smiled back and brushed back a lock of his hair, "How can I stay mad at you?" She leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek, "Don't worry, Mr. Blake will see his mistake, making Pierce the president. He'll mess up, do something wrong that'll make him see he should've chose Frank Burns."

Frank sneaked an arm around her waist, "Margaret... when you talk like that..."

Margaret leaned in even closer, her lips but a few inches away from his. "We still have four minutes before-"

Both turned to look at the class door open up, still locked in a tight embrace.

"Hawkeye!" They both shouted.

Hawkeye stopped to glance over the two, "Well you guys made up fast. Either you made up or you made out."

Margaret's face turned red, "Would you mind your own business and go off to your next class!!"

Hawkeye chuckled and walked away, _"Those two are so weird!"_


	4. Your First Task

The bell rang and everyone scrambled to their seats, except for Trapper, who walked in late.

As Henry motioned for Hawkeye and the other student to take a stand at the front of the class, three loud knocks could be heard from the class door.

Henry sat up from his desk and made his way over to the door. "Gee, I wonder who that could be," he said, opening the door, "as if I didn't know, John McIntyre."

Trapper sighed and walked past Henry. "Sorry, it won't happen again."

"You're right it won't. I gave you a pass on the first time you showed up late to my class, now this is your third tardy... do you know what this means?"

"You're gonna butter me up and pour gravy on my buns?"

Henry gave the young man a somewhat confused and disgusted glare for his odd, sarcastic response. "What?! No! I'm giving you an after school detention!"

Hawkeye chuckled from the front of the class and pointed to Trapper. "Don't worry Trap, we can make it a date, I have detention today too. Good thing I don't have rehearsal today!"

Henry turned around and glanced at Hawkeye. "You got a detention? How? You're never late to any of your classes, are you?"

Hawkeye grinned sheepishly, "You know how your class wasn't the only one I slept through?"

"Oh no."

"Well it turns out you were right when you told me teachers don't like it when their students sleep through lessons."

"And one of your teachers decided to wait until almost the fourth week of school to give you a detention?"

"Well, actually it was all three teachers I had after your class last Friday. When they all found out they just decided to give me one consecutive detention... I think that means they like me."

"I'm pretty sure that's not what that means, Pierce..."

Hawkeye shrugged as Trapper took his seat and Henry made the return to his desk. "On the plus side, I took your advice, and just look at me! It's Monday morning, I'm well rested, and... oh crap, I forgot about the deodorant part, sorry 'bout that."

The student standing next to Hawkeye frowned, "You didn't have to tell me that."

Henry smiled as he simultaneously took down attendance and listened to Hawkeye's ramblings. "You're a new man, Pierce. See what a little sleep can do for ya? You even have what seems to be a cheerier disposition." Henry finished logging everything into his computer and addressed the class, "Alright everyone, our class president has today's announcements, afterwards, we'll begin class."

Hawkeye smiled, "First thing's first, we have a new student transfering in to M*A*S*H, let's give Zelmo Zale a warm welcome, because he'll also be transferring into our class!"

Zale gave Hawkeye a confused glance. "M*A*S*H?"

Hawkeye nodded, "Yeah, Maryland Academy of Science and Health."

"Academy? Science and Health? You mean this isn't a public high school?"

Hawkeye was now too confused, "No... how'd you exactly get in?"

"I took the test to get in, but I thought it was just a placement test to see if I had to retake my sophomore year a second time. Guess it must have been an application for this place," he chuckled, "boy, I should start paying better attention to what I sign up for, eh?"

Hawkeye frowned and scratched at his head, "Second time...?" He pointed to an empty seat in the middle of the class, "Well... anyway... that's your seat over there," he said, thinking for a moment.

"Not to be... uh... rude or anything, but how exactly did you pass this school's entrance exam if you... well, you know... should probably be like a junior?" Hawkeye whispered to Zale.

"Well, uh... wishful thinking?" He stuttered.

Hawkeye gave him a worried smile, "you cheated, didn't you?" He whispered.

"Sure did," Zale responded with a muffled chuckle.

"Okay, not surprised. Good thing is," Hawkeye said, quickly glancing over at Henry, "looks like our fearless leader is probably playing candy crush on his phone, and hasn't payed any attention to us since I started speaking... so your probably safe."

"Aww, sweet," he responded, "but... _you're_ not gonna rat me out are you?"

Hawkeye gave out a nervous chuckle, "Uh... I guess not, I mean, I guess it's not my place to get in the way of another man's education, right?"

Zale gave Hawkeye a slap on the back, "That's the spirit! Besides, I don't think I could stand getting kicked out of _another_ high school."

"Another...?"

"You're the best, man!" Zale said more audibly, as he walked over to take a seat at his new desk.

 _"Oh snap, Hawkeye, what have you done,"_ he thought to himself.

Hawkeye tried to regain focus and gave out a forced laugh, returning his attention to the rest of the class, "Sorry 'bout that, just giving our new comrade a uh... private little pep talk. You guys understand, with how stressful it is starting a new school year an what not..." Hawkeye looked around as the awkward tone he'd taken started to rub off onto his classmates, who all seemed a little confused.

"Anyway... second thing on the agenda is, Klinger?" Hawkeye began, looking over to his fashion-forward classmate.

"Yes?"

"There's been a poll going since you started using your new perfume..."

"Moonlight Wonders."

"Thank you, since you've been using Moonlight Wonders, and while I and several other of your classmates can agree that is smells nice, the rest think it's too strong and the class has collectively decided that we'd really appreciate it if you could go back to using Sunny Breeze."

Klinger nodded, "That scent really was the only way to go. I'll go back to it effective immediately," he responded, digging through his backpack. Once he found the bottle of perfume he began the spraying-fest.

"Max, can you not overdo it? It smells great but I don't want it to clash with my own perfume," Kelleye asked.

Klinger agreed and let the bottle retire back to his satchel.

"Last thing on the agenda is computers. Next week we're getting a class set that can be borrowed, but you guys actually have to return them," Hawkeye thought for a moment before finishing, "alright, I think that's everything, if you're ready to start class, Mr. Blake-"

Hawkeye stopped as he and the rest of the class turned to see Henry still on his phone.

"Mr. Blake, the class?" Margaret said as Hawkeye walked to the back of the class to take his seat.

Henry looked up, startled that Hawkeye's first assignment was over so fast. "Oh! Sorry, I just beat level 35!" Henry chuckled as he turned off his phone and set it down, "This candy crush game is just so addictive!"

Hawkeye let out a gasp and grinned, "I was right!"


	5. The Substitute

Radar walked up to Hawkeye and handed him a clipboard with the announcements, "Here's the scoop, Hawkeye," he mumbled before running back to his seat.

"Thanks, Radar," Hawkeye replied as he scanned over the paper before handing it off to Margaret.

"So, he's sick, right?" Margaret asked.

"Yup," Hawkeye said, watching the last of the students come in before the bell rang. Trapper, of course, was late again.

"Aww, man."

Hawkeye held up his hand, "Don't worry Trap, Blake isn't gonna be here for the rest of the day, looks like you're off the hook."

Trapper grinned with relief, "Phew! Thank goddess, I don't think I could stand another detention, especially with you around," he joked.

Margaret narrowed her eyebrows, "Wait just a minute, you can't do that! We have to mark him down as tardy! I should have known you'd abuse your power, Pierce!"

Hawkeye smirked and glanced at Radar for a moment, "Radar, leave a note for Blake that everyone was on time today," he turned back to Margaret, "not power, Margaret dear, _responsibility_. I'm abusing my responsibility!"

Margaret sighed in annoyance, feeling her face flush.

"If I can have everyone's attention," Hawkeye began, "Mr. Blake got sick and had to leave a few minutes ago. Word on the street is one of his students last hour bet him that he couldn't eat a whole bag of gummy worms without getting sick. I'm pretty sure it's safe to say he lost. At the moment we're still waiting on a substitute to come and fill in for the rest of the day. I'm supposed to remind you that we're supposed to behave for the sub and follow Blake's class rules, which I can guarantee most will be broken before the sub arrives knowing this class."

Hawkeye turned to Margaret. "Any word yet on when the substitute will get here?"

Margaret shook her head, "No, but I just sent Radar down to the office to ask about the situation."

"Great, until then-" Hawkeye looked away from Margaret and displayed a smile of annoyance, "aaand I can already see about five of Henry's class rules being broken. Hey, Zelmo! Please be a little more careful when juggling the glass flasks!"

Margaret rolled her eyes, "It's only a matter of time before Mr. Blake realizes it was a mistake to make you class president."

Hawkeye smiled, "We can only hope that that time comes soon."

Both Margaret and Hawkeye jumped and turned to look at the door as it slammed open. A man (who they assumed to be their substitute) walked in with Radar nervously trailing behind.

He walked right up beside the two, with Radar still following, surveying the scene of the class before him.

Zelmo was still juggling the flasks, and surprisingly hadn't broke any or hurt anyone yet. Klinger had "borrowed" some flasks he was using to mix several of his perfumes together. Possibly worst of all was Igor putting together a sub sandwich from his lunchbox, which had already begun to attract ants.

The man glanced over to the three kids beside him. "You three the kids Blake put in charge of the class?"

Margaret nodded worriedly, "Sir, it's not what it looks like!"

"Then please, do explain what is exactly going on."

All three were silent.

"What kind of a class is Blake running?!" The man said to himself.

Hawkeye stepped forward and tried to grab the attention of his classmates, "Yoo-hoo! Class? Um... we have-"

"HEY! Quiet down you bunch of nuts!" The man shouted. "What kind of behavior is this?!!" He glanced over to Igor, "Do you really think you can get away with making a sandwich in my class!? Look your attracting ants!"

"Well I also attract girls, so that's a plus," Igor said with a nervous laugh. Seeing the man was still visibly angry he added, "Besides, Mr. Blake lets me make and eat whatever I want in his class."

"Oh yeah!? Well today, this is my class! Not Henry Blake's, MINE!"

Hawkeye discreetly leaned in to Margaret and Radar, "You know, I think we're all gonna like him, no doubt about it," he whispered.

"Radar, he was the only substitute there?" Margaret asked quietly.

"The secretary lady said he's the only substitute who's on campus 24/7. So she said it would be quicker if she sent him to us."

Margaret and Hawkeye both glanced at each other expressing a mutual look of shock and disgust.

"24/7? So like, the guy lives here or something?" Margaret asked.

Radar shrugged, "Must be like when we were all in kindergarten and thought the teachers lived under their desks."

"Maybe I should ask him," Hawkeye said sarcastically.

The three returned their attention to the crazy substitute, who had now gone off on Klinger about his perfume.

"And NO ONE EVER gets away with making perfume! Not in my class!"

Margaret nervously approached the man, "Sir, perhaps we should start today's lesson, I think everyone's gotten back on track now..."

He glared at her and nodded, "Alright, alright. Fine. You three can take your seats. I think I might be better suited to handle a bunch of hooligans such as yourselves."

The three of them walked back to sit down as the substitute pulled out a stool and sat himself before the whole class.

"My name is Mr. Flagg, anyone steps out of line during my lesson will not be answering to the office, but to ME."

Klinger gulped, quickly and quietly he put a plug in all of the flasks on this desk and sneakily slipped them into his satchel.

Everyone was focused, silent, and Flagg fearing.


	6. Familiar Faces

"Sorry, class. Yesterday I had experienced a few... um... stomach issues."

"Don't worry, Henry, we all know about the gummy worms," Hawkeye said.

Henry gave him an annoyed glare for being addressed by his first name, bust mostly for bringing up the gummy worm incident.

"Anyway... Oh! Radar, can I have the attendance report from yesterday?"

Radar nodded and flipped through a folder of class papers. He scrambled out of his seat and handed over the note, "Here it is, sir."

Henry looked it over thoughtfully. "Hmmm. Perfect attendance?"

Margaret felt her face flush, looking back and forth between Hawkeye and Henry she stuttered, "Uhh...um..."

Hawkeye glared and her and put his finger up to his mouth, motioning for her to keep Trapper's tardiness on the down low.

Henry raised an eyebrow, "What is it, Margaret?"

"Ummm... well, it's just... I think it should be noted that this is the first time in this class that everyone has been on time."

Henry nodded, "You're right about that, Houlihan," he looked up and out to the rest of the class with a proud smile, "Good work, class. Keep it up."

Margaret gave Henry a quick smile and glanced back at Hawkeye, who gave her a thumbs up.

Henry stood up, "Well, despite how happy I am with the perfect attendance, I think it should be said the substitute yesterday left a note saying you guys were an absolute mess," he shot a glance at Hawkeye, Margaret, and Radar, "What happened there, guys?"

Hawkeye frowned, "Henry, the dude was crazy!"

Radar nodded, "And I genuinely believe the guy lives here!"

"Actually that's just a rumor started by the office secretary, I actually live in a small apartment near Baltimore, but I only stay there on the weekends," Flagg said, walking in on the class.

"When did you come in? I didn't even hear you open the door," Henry said, quite puzzled.

"So what you're saying is you do live here, just not on weekends, sir?" Radar inquired.

Flagg glared at the little student and walked over to his desk. "Are you calling me a liar?"

Confused, Radar quickly shook his head, "No, sir!"

"Good," Flagg replied, walking back over to Henry. "What kind of a class are you running, Blake?"

"Well, an Anatomy class, actually," he replied with a chuckle.

Flagg, who was not amused, addressed everyone, "I'm scheduled to sub for a class a few doors down, thought I'd stop by and make sure Henry got my note," he glanced over to Henry, "I hope you give this class the punishment they deserve, Henry."

Henry frowned, "Oh! Well, I mean... sure they're a wild bunch but that's normal for them! I really don't think punishment is necessary!"

Flagg scoffed at Henry's remark. "Really? Well that one," he said, pointing at Igor, "was making a sub sandwich when I walked in... I think he even intended on eating the vile thing."

Henry smiled, "Well, Igor and I made an agreement of sorts. You see, I let him make whatever he wants and eat in my class as long as he gives me half," Henry looked over to Igor, "by the way, did you save any for me?"

With a look of disgust and annoyance, Flagg began to make his leave, "Get this class under control, Henry, before someone high up in staff comes in and takes care of 'em themselves... someone like me," as he was about to walk out, he turned to address the class one last time, "Pray to god your train wreck of a teacher doesn't miss another day... because if he does, at least I know how to keep this class in check."

As Flagg left and shut the door behind him with a loud slam, all eyes turned to Henry.

"See what I mean!? The man's a nut!" Hawkeye shouted.

"Shhhh!" Henry said angrily, "Knowing the guy, he might've heard you!"

"Mr. Blake?" Radar asked with his hand raised.

"What is it, Radar!?" Henry whined, just as stressed over Flagg as the class was.

"Does Mr. Flagg _really_ live here?"

Henry rubbed his temples, already done with today, "Ughh, how should I know!?" He walked back to his desk and ripped up the note Flagg had left for him, "And don't worry, I'm completely disregarding this note."

/scene/

Hawkeye sat his tray down next to Margaret. Radar, who was sitting on the other side of Margaret, looked over to Hawkeye, "Gee, you really aren't afraid of that Flagg guy, are you?"

"Naw, only thing I'm afraid of are these school lunches. Looks like these nuggets had been frozen for the past decade. They're piping hot but still hard as a rock!"

"I have to admit, school nuggets aren't the best, but at least Flagg knows how to get the class under control," Margaret said, picking at her lunch.

"Scoot it, pipsqueak," Frank said, holding onto his tray, trying to grab a seat next to Margaret.

"But I was here first!"

"I said move it!"

"Okay! Okay!" Radar said, picking up his tray, going over to sit across from Hawkeye.

As Frank sat down he looked over to the others, "I don't get why everyone hates Flagg so much, he got the class under control for once." He glanced over at Hawkeye and gave him a smirk, "Even a certain class president couldn't keep the peace," he paused for a moment before continuing, "You know... I bet if I was class president, things would be running a lot smoother... just saying."

Hawkeye scoffed and leaned on the table to get a better look at Frank. "Get them under control, right. Through what? Intimidation? You actually enjoyed having Flagg around, didn't you?"

"Well, at least he set things straight," he replied matter-of-factly.

Hawkeye sighed and went back to surveying what on his tray was edible.

"Mind if I sit here for today?"

The four of them looked up to see who it was. The curly, bown-haired boy held onto his tray before he noticed Hawkeye.

"Hawkeye!? Fancy seeing you here."

Margaret looked up at the kid, he wasn't in their Anatomy class, and she couldn't say she'd seen him around before, but he did look familiar...

Hawkeye smiled and pointed to an empty seat, "What are you doing here?"

"You two know each other?" Margaret asked.

The kid looked closer at Margaret, "Hey, don't I know you... Ah! You're Margaret Houlihan, aren't you?"

Now she remembered. "Sidney! That's right, Sidney Freedman?"

He nodded, "The one and only."

"That's right! I had you in my Honors English class freshman year! You're a pretty smart cookie aren't you? Still talking all Honors, you daredevil?"

"That and all the phsyc electives."

"How do you know Hawkeye?"

Sidney grinned, "Actually, I have him in my Honors Algebra Two class, only kid with the balls to sleep through half the lessons."

Hawkeye chuckled, "Hold up, I've turned over a new leaf, remember?"

Frank glanced at the new face, slightly angry Margaret was paying this kid more attention than him. "You taking Anatomy?"

Sidney nodded, "I am, but I have Mr. Coogan for my Anatomy class."

"That's too bad, I think Sid would like our class," Hawkeye remarked.

Margaret chuckled, "Are you sure about that?"


	7. Ahhh Choo!

"Let me get you a tissue, sir!"

Klinger ran over to a side table and nearly tackled the frail little cardboard tissue box, trying to reach it before Hawkeye and Trapper.

Henry glared at the three students and raised an eyebrow, "Quite a scene over one sneeze."

Klinger composed himself and walked up to Henry's desk, handing over the tissue. "You don't want to catch cold, Mr. Blake! Are you taking daily vitamins?"

"Washing your hands before lunch?" Hawkeye added.

"And eating vegetables at every meal?" Trapper asked.

The rest of the class erupted into a chatter, throwing out other suggestions, and asking the teacher how he felt.

"Hold it! Hold it!" He said, standing up.

"You better sit down, you might get dizzy!" Klinger said.

"Now you guys have been acting awful strange these past few days... what's going on?" Henry said, looking out at all his students for answers.

Well, the thing is, Mr. Blake..." Klinger began.

"If you get sick and have to take a day off, we'll be stuck with Flagg again!" Trapper yelled.

"You guys don't know that, there's other subs besides Flagg."

"But there's always the chance he could come back! Plus, he's scary! He lives in the school!" Radar exclaimed.

"Now calm down, everyone. There's a simple solution to all of this; just don't act like a bushel of bananas when Flagg is around, or better yet, around any adult."

"Come on now! We can't help it!" Trapper shouted.

"You guys need to stop worrying so much! I'll be fine, I'm not sick, and that's the end of that!"


	8. Overworked

"Mind if I sit here?"

Radar looked up to Hawkeye and nodded, "Sure, go ahead," he said, pushing aside a mound of papers.

Hawkeye sat his lunch tray down where the papers had been and took a seat next to Radar. "Don't mind my asking, but what is all of that? Your teachers couldn't have given you that much homework... is it late work? Did you forget to do a project or something?"

Radar sighed, "Well it's-"

"Just forget about all that work and enjoy your lunch," he glanced at Radar's and his own lunch tray, "well... try and enjoy it as much as possible," he said with disgust.

"It's not mine."

Hawkeye raised an eyebrow, "Not yours... what?"

"It's not my homework."

"Who's is it?"

"Zelmo's."

Hawkeye sat up a little straighter and frowned, "Why are you doing his homework?"

"He said he didn't understand it. I tried explaining it to him but he said it would be better for me if I did it."

"Better for you? But you've already got your own work cut out for you!"

"He said it would be better for me because if I didn't do it he'd knock my lights out."

Hawkeye angrily stood up and looked aroumd, "Does Zelmo have this lunch period?"

"I don't know... why?"

"Because if he does I'M going to knock his lights out."

Radar also stood up, "Oh no! Don't do that! You'll just get in trouble and make Zelmo angry!"

Hawkeye sighed and sat back down, "You're right. I'll just talk to him in class tomorrow."

"Really? Could you?"

"Of course, Radar. You shouldn't be worrying about anyone's work but your own."


	9. Get In

Hawkeye was about to go back inside until he noticed something out of the corner of his eye...

 _"Did the bush just move?"_

He sat down his script book and went over to the bush to investigate.

"Don't come any closer!" The bush said.

Hawkeye took a step back and looked around. He didn't want anyone to see him talking to... well, a bush.

"Klinger? Is that you?"

"I'm not Klinger... I'm a bush."

Hawkeye sighed, "Klinger, get out of the bush."

Two hands poked out of the bush and swept aside some branches. Clear as day Hawkeye could see his fashionable friend hiding within the shrubbery.

"Why are you still here? School let out fifteen minutes ago."

Hawkeye got a little closer to the bush and kneeled down. "I have rehearsal today, I'm taking a break out here before I have to go back onstage," he paused and gave Klinger a suspicious glare, "now why don't you tell me where you're still here? In a bush in the school parking lot for starters?"

Klinger peeked his head out to make sure no one else was watching, "get in the bush."

"Klinger, I'm not getting in the bush."

"C'mon, Hawkeye! Get in-"

"Klinger! I'm not getting in some random bush with you!"

"Get in the bush."

Hawkeye sighed in defeat, "Ughhh! Fine." He carefully avoided the twigs and branches as he scooted into the tight space.

"Okay, Klinger... why are we in a bush?"

"Listen, I walk home right?"

"Mhm. I remember you telling me that your uncle's attempt to 'get a car' didn't go so well when he got arrested for car theft."

"And you remember the new kid, Zelmo Zale?"

"Mhm."

"Well, we haven't exactly gotten along since his arrival, and today he said he was gonna fight me after school!"

"So you're hiding out in a bush until you're sure he's gone?"

"Precisely!"

Hawkeye sighed and peeked his face outside the bush to make sure they were still alone. "Listen, I don't think anyone is outside but us, so I think you're safe."

"Phew! I can't stand sitting in the dirt... it's a good thing I'm wearing darks today!"

The two carefully climbed out of the bush and dusted off their clothes. "Man, that Zale really is a piece of work."

Klinger looked over to Hawkeye, "you got that right."

"You know he's got Radar doing all his homework!? He's a cheater, a liar, and a scoundrel, that Zale!"

"Took the words straight out of my mouth," Klinger said, nodding in agreement.

"What's his deal with you, anyway?"

"We always fight. I'm either spraying too much perfume or in his way. He always has something to complain about!"

Hawkeye glanced back at the door and saw one of the theatre kids motioning him to come back in from the window. "Listen, Klinger. You go home, I have to go back in."

"Alright, but don't be surprised if I'm not at school tomorrow. Zale will probably jump me on the way home," he said dramatically.

"That's not gonna happen. Besides, I'm gonna set things straight with him tomorrow."


End file.
